Finding Clarity in the Midst of Anger
You may have heard anger described as a secondary emotion — the visible tip of an iceberg that hints at deeper, hidden feelings below the surface. Anger is uncomfortable to feel, and it often nudges us to say or do things that seem to interfere with the hard-fought peace we try to cultivate in our lives.
But anger isn’t just something to get rid of or push aside. Often, it’s a signal that our needs are going unmet. Sitting with anger can feel intimidating, like an alarm bell ringing in your body. Yet when we take the time to sort through what’s underneath, anger can point us toward clarity and change.
When I think about how anger shows up in women’s lives, I often return to Harriet Lerner’s book The Dance of Anger, which insightfully outlines both the opportunity anger provides and the cost of ignoring its message.
Why Repressing Anger Doesn’t Work
“The more we give in and go along, the more our anger builds. The more we intensify our repressive efforts, the more we unconsciously fear a volcanic eruption should we begin to let our anger out.” -Harriet Lerner
For many women, anger feels unsafe.“Giving in and going along” can take many forms: staying busy to avoid sitting with your feelings, crying and apologizing when you’re still upset, or placing the blame on yourself so you can feel a sense of control. For others, coping through alcohol or other substances may be a temporary reprieve. But anger that’s repressed doesn’t disappear. It simmers beneath the surface, building pressure.
On the outside, it looks like you’ve moved on. But inside, you may still be arguing with loved ones in your head, feeling anxious, and weighed down by the burden of keeping the peace while struggling silently.
The longer we keep silencing ourselves, the longer we delay the clarity and self-trust that come from listening to what anger is really telling us.
Shifting the Focus Back to You
It’s easy to believe the solution lies in other people changing — if only they’d listen better, act differently, or finally see your side. But focusing outward keeps you stuck.
Anger becomes a guide when we allow it to turn our attention inward. It helps us notice where we’ve abandoned our own needs, ignored our values, or pushed aside our truth to avoid conflict. Instead of blaming others, we can begin asking ourselves: What do I want? What do I need? What feels right for me?
The Opportunity That Anger Brings
When you stop numbing and start listening to your anger, you may be surprised at what opens up. Conversations you’ve been avoiding feel doable. Boundaries you once thought were impossible to set suddenly feel necessary. And slowly, you begin to reclaim the energy that has been tied up in repression, resentment, and anxiety..
Relationships often improve because you’re showing up honestly instead of silently seething. Self-respect grows as you act in ways that align with your values. And perhaps most importantly, you begin to like yourself again.
Anger is not something to fear — it’s a signal pointing you back to your own power. When you stop silencing yourself and start listening to what your anger is telling you, you open the door to clarity, self-trust, and a life that finally feels like yours.
